Because Sometimes Diabetes Is Difficult & Y'all Accept To Allow It All Out.

Yesterday sucked - And thence it didn't. Here's what happened & I promise you lot tin flame relate!
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“You know you’re A1c is 8.2,” said the attention Fellow (who looked similar she was maybe 15 too was extremely polite,) every bit she went through the criterion questions thence should could prep physician J.

Me: NO, I DIDN'T. I expected it to live inward the mid sevens, but non 8.2.

And my pump sank into my the pit of my breadbasket too I kept looking downwards at the floor. 

I explained virtually my recent cortisone shot for tendinitis too my crazy insulin requirements over the yesteryear few weeks - And how that ironically, my numbers had been to a greater extent than written report amongst the cortisone than pre-cortisone  - because I'd been tracking too adjusting my temporary basal rates accordingly. 

I knew the attention was trying her best, but I simply wanted to beak amongst physician J.

She left the room to grab physician J too I posted the next on Facebook too tried to remain calm.

Endo apt running an hr behind schedule because of course. And I don't fifty-fifty what to beak virtually my a1c.#diabetesburnout #ImnotgonnacryImnotgonnacryImnotgonnacry

I took some deep breathes too practiced my yoga breathing. 
I looked up, tried to remain centered too stared at the florescent lights overhead. 

I abhor florescent lights. 

There was a calorie-free knock at the door too inward walk physician J, followed yesteryear the Fellow.

He extended his manus too when I reached out to accept it, he clasped both his hands or thence mine too said: Kelly, how are you lot doing? What’s going on? We demand to larn to the road of your a1c. The remainder of your labs are groovy too nosotros are going to beak over them, but you’ve gone upwards a betoken too nosotros demand to know why. I’ve tracked downwards Cheryl (my CDE too his correct hand,) too she’s going to come upwards inward too yell at you.

And thence my confront cruel too similar a shot he smiled too said: NO, she’s non going to yell at you, nobody is going to yell at you lot - I’m joking. It’s OK, Kelly. 
We are going to rail your trends together too everything’s going to live OK. 

At that would live when my CDE Cheryl walked inward too we hugged i some other tight. 
Then inward tandem physician J & Cheryl asked me what was going on inward my head. 

Me: I don't know...... I'm tired. I’m simply actually tired. I’m tired of tendinitis too of ever having to operate at “this.” 

I’m simply tired. I’m OK, I’m simply feeling a footling burned out.

Almost 37 years too sometimes it gets to me. I’m just...tired. 

My vocalisation started to fissure every bit I was talking - I could experience my confront starting to larn blood-red every bit I tried my best to blink dorsum the tears. 

But maxim it out loud felt good.

Cheryl looked me inward the eye, patted my arm too said: Of split you're burned out - how could you lot non be? I sent you lot the e-mail a few weeks agone virtually our Pump Support Group Dinner side yesteryear side week. Kelly, I desire to purchase you lot dinner, I desire you lot to come. 
I know it’s a hike but I’d honey to receive got you lot there.

ME: O.K. 

And I looked at physician J too Cheryl, who were both looking dorsum at me amongst love; concern, agreement too compassion.....and I felt similar a total shithead. 

I felt similar I’d disappointed them - too my community - too myself.

Dr. J: When the cortisone’s out of your organization - in all probability side yesteryear side week, nosotros tin flame maiden off tracking your trends too nosotros tin flame tweak what needs to live adjusted. 

The remainder of your labs are beautiful. Kidneys are fine, cholesterol is beautiful, Vitamin D is 35 upwards from fourteen lastly time. That’s awesome!

Me: What virtually my thyroid? 

 Dr. J. Totally normal. Your thyroid numbers fifty-fifty ameliorate than lastly time! We simply demand to operate on your A1c. It would live much easier if you lot had a CGM. 

Me: Yeah, I know. 

Dr. J: We volition figure this out. Now, tin flame I larn you lot some insulin samples? 

Me: YES. 

And that’s what he did. He went out of the room too came dorsum amongst a purse of insulin for me. 

After that nosotros said our goodbyes, I scheduled my side yesteryear side appointment for October, got my parking ticking validated too hightailed it out of at that spot every bit fast every bit I could. 

I could experience my eyes starting to create total upwards i time again inward the elevate - but I kept it together until I got to my car. 

By the fourth dimension I drove out of the parking garage, tears were streaming downwards my confront too I was total on Oprah  "ugly cry,” mode.

And inward my caput I was like: How could I receive got allow this happen? Jesus, I’m a Diabetes Advocate too a Diabetes Blogger - I’m all virtually empowering people too I allow my A1C larn upwards to 8.2 -WTF!!

I wracked my encephalon trying to call back the lastly fourth dimension my a1c was 8 or to a higher identify  - too I couldn't remember... maybe 18 years ago? 

I approached the Walt Whitman Bridge too it was a parking lot. 

As I sat stuck there, stuck on the middle of the dyad inward rush hr traffic that wouldn’t budge, I idea virtually everything. 

I idea virtually my parents too my sis too how a adult woman inward the waiting room today reminded me of her. 

Not because she looked similar her, because she didn’t. But she reminded me of Debbie because she was young, inward a wheelchair too her pare looked gray... too I knew why she was there. 

She was at that spot for dialysis too it broke my pump - And it scared the shit out of me. 

And I shed tears for that adult woman - a lot of them.

I idea virtually how I had 2 of the finest Diabetes Mechanics (Dr. J too Cheryl,) on the planet; how I was purpose of a community too damn grateful for everyone inward the DOC too how I knew for a fact that I wasn’t lone - But withal felt lone sometimes. 

I idea virtually perfection too how impossible it is to accomplish too hold inward life....and life amongst diabetes. 

Because diabetes, much similar life, ever changes the rules simply when you lot intend you’ve nailed it. 

And that you lot tin flame do everything correct too withal non larn the numbers you lot want. 

I idea virtually crimp balls too how nosotros are ever trying to catch, dodge, too or live prepared for them amongst diabetes - And sometimes all that catching, dodging, too beingness prepared is fucking exhausting. 

And how I’d much rather dodge the ball too the wrenches than bargain amongst diabetes curveballs. 

Sidebar: See what I did there? 

And thence “Fix You,” by Cold Play came on the radio too every bit I listened to the lyrics, I lost it fifty-fifty more.

When you lot effort your best, but you lot don't succeed

When you lot larn what you lot want, but non what you lot need

When you lot experience thence tired, but you lot can't sleep

Stuck inward reverse

And the tears come upwards streaming downwards your face

When you lot lose something you lot can't replace

When you lot honey someone, but it goes to waste

Could it live worse?

Lights volition conduct you lot home

And ignite your bones

And I volition effort to laid upwards you

And I continued crying inward my car, too inward the parking lot that is The Walt Whitman Bridge at rush hour. 

Except it was no longer the “I experience sad for me,” sort of vociferation that it had started out as. 

No, it was to a greater extent than a healing sort of vociferation that was much needed. 

And thence I said out loud:

I am non broken. 

My pancreas is, but I’m not. 

I may demand a diabetes tune-up too I may live tired, but I’m non downwards for the count because of diabetes - or life. 

I decline to live stuck inward contrary - I'm moving frontwards - Fuck the curveballs - too the wrenches. 

And that would live when the cars in-front of me started to slow motion and inch their means towards the Bailiwick of Jersey side. 

The skilful tears flowed almost the whole ride domicile - Until the rush hr tunes went all “old school” and Doug E. Fresh, Slick Rick & The Get Fresh Crew’s  live version of 'The Show," came on the radio. And that would live the exact minute I started singing at the top of my lungs:

Well tonight, on this real mic you're virtually to hear

{We swear, the best damn rappers of the year

So, cheerio, scream bravo}

Also, if you lot didn't know this is called The Show!

I sang along to the whole vocal too every vocal later that. 

And when I finally made it domicile I was greeted to amazing back upwards via, texts, twitter & Facebook from my tribe. And I felt thence much better. 

Diabetes is difficult -  Even when you’ve been doing it for over thirty years. 

Change is difficult - fifty-fifty when it’s for the better. 

Crying is OK - Actually, it's to a greater extent than than OK.

Having a community to back upwards you lot both online too off too a professional person diabetes pit-crew who understands too wants to help.....That's non alone priceless - it makes all the divergence